The Beginning Again……. All them years ago when I first wrote my blog ‘for the love of food anxiety and me’ it was about me figuring out who I was after my diagnosis, my battles with my new life with a mental illness, my battles with weight loss and self confidence. I thought years on […]

— Finding Me Again

The Beginning Again…….

All them years ago when I first wrote my blog ‘for the love of food anxiety and me’ it was about me figuring out who I was after my diagnosis, my battles with my new life with a mental illness, my battles with weight loss and self confidence. I thought years on id have all of that figured out, know who I was and accepted that this would be my life now…… I was wrong, so I guess this is why I am back here.

At 31 I don’t have a clue who I am anymore and that scares me! Ok, I know what I want to be and I know what I can be as a person and what I am capable of being, I wasn’t always this way….. what way you might ask!? Well this scared girl trapped in a vicious circle of self hatred……. Taking herself round and round in circles of one day having it all together … being a mum…. going to work doing everyday things she should be doing. The the next day drowning in her own thoughts of self hatred and drinking herself through 1…. maybe 2 bottles of an evening trying to block out how she was feeling, blocking it all out and pushing those away who tried to help her….. because they all leave eventually right????? I knew after my therapy that I would always be this way, always have anxiety, always have that label of having a mental illness and I chose to accept that and embrace who I was, the new me! But somehow over the years since then somewhere down the line that strong, happy, confident woman id come to love and worked hard on somehow got lost again.

Did it start with the grief after loosing grandad? I mean watching some one you love die is never easy right? not even for the strongest of people. Even me….. my life since that point seemed to spiral. I felt grandad kinda too a part of me with him. From that point I have always felt like theres something missing in my life. I guess that’s when the drinking started. When the drinking went from a night out and family events to a companion, a crutch, an escape from how I was feeling. drinking gave me confidence and made me feel like I was in control of myself and everything that had happened…. truth is I wasn’t…. truth is im not now either!

My marriage was failing for many reasons, although we both played active parts in that it just wasn’t working how it should anymore and papering over the cracks wasn’t a way to live anymore for us or our son. Admittedly I could have dealt with it in a totally different way instead of the arms of someone else. That someone else that showed me I didn’t need to be unhappy, scared or anxious. That person who got me sober, made me laugh again, that someone who got me excited to be me again! That void I felt was gone…. SHE filled it! Or did she…… well we all know where that ended up!!

So here I am today ……

I guess you never really know someones true intentions and to me that’s still scary up until this point in time. Having that one person make you feel the happiest you have been in a long time, but she knew that didn’t she? she got you in that place, you told her enough times! YOU gave her that, gave her everything, finished your marriage of 9 years for her, put her above everyone and didn’t care what anyone thought! You lost friends for her, yet none of that mattered because with her I wasn’t anxious all the time, I wasn’t drinking …… I was ME!! And she knew that and I put myself in that position where she could rip that right from under me at any point!

On a day to day basis I still battled myself, my anxiety but she always somehow took it away. I had the confidence to go back to work and my god that felt amazing! I was building my life back up and for once felt like I was something again! I was making new friends that didn’t know me, know my past. I was Lisa….. a girl with a fiancé, an 8 year old son ….. not Lisa with a mental illness or Lisa who had been through a lot in her life and everyone knew it and judged me. I had something of my own, an escape where I could share my new life with her and be normal for once. Again we all know how that ended…….

I suppose at the moment I am trying to figure out who I am again after some ripped my heart out and took away my happiness so cruely that it has damaged me that much to where I am today! You begin to think life is good again, not perfect but good enough for you and that was enough for me. Then its ripped from you everything she promised she wouldn’t do…. even when you told her your biggest fears in your lowest moments. Feeling like you wasn’t enough for her, you felt worthless and useless at times and she still made you promises she wouldn’t leave. All your fears you had about yourself … in the end I wasn’t enough, what I gave her couldn’t be enough! She broke me!!

So here I am 6 months on, still trying to re build who I am and life again and making some shocking mistakes along the way. I am drinking again, self harming at times pushing people away. And on this road of self destruct, feeling like I am nothing, im not enough for anyone or anything at the moment. See this is the problem…… I know im enough, I know my worth and I know who I am deep down…. its just finding that again in amongst all this chaos in my head. I cannot let one person destroy me, not again! I am a mum, a role model for my son and somehow ill be me again! That hard working, confident stong woman again I had fought so hard for! I will be her again and walk proudly with my head high knowing life tried to destroy me again but I came back stronger than ever!

So here I am again in recovery and I am proud in some ways, I asked for help! I wont hide my pain anymore and I wont apologise for the past few months. I am Lisa with mental health….. this is my new beginning to finding me AGAIN!

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

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